I opened up a few months’ back on an Instagram post about our own struggles with infertility but after a conversation with a fellow sufferer and reading about the media’s wholly unrealistic coverage of later life pregnancies, I realised it’s something I’ve never broached on the blog. And so I decided that it’s time that I talk about it. It’s a subject that’s close to my heart because it’s something we have dealt with ourselves and many women are dealing with it – so why aren’t we talking about it more?

Kimberly Swoon Worthy and her Sheltie Quito in the kitchen

According to The Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority (HFEA) in 2014, 52,288 women had a total of 67,708 cycles of IVF. It’s now widely accepted that these procedures are performed as frequently as other well-known procedures, such as having tonsils removed. And yet how often do we hear them speak? ~ The Pool

The thing is, women are often presented as having one mission in life – to bear children and to raise a family. Which we all know is ridiculous of course. However, growing up as a child in the 70’s and a teen in the 80’s, I felt a bit strange, the odd one out, because I didn’t really see myself having kids. I had a pretty full-on crazy life in my 20s and despite a consistent string of relationships, there was never anyone who I felt I wanted to have kids with. Plus, I was enjoying my independence, picking up and moving where I wanted to when I wanted (I moved a total of 20 times over a 20 year time period!). I knew there was no way a baby could fit into my lifestyle.

So I did what any ‘modern woman’ in the 90’s and early 00’s would do. I concentrated on my career and put off the whole idea of having children – for years. When I was in a long-term relationship, I would get well-meaning friends asking when we were going to start a family. I’d always answer, ‘I’d never say never but just not now’. The truth was, I actually just didn’t want them at the time and I certainly couldn’t see myself having them with whomever I was with (red flag of course). It’s not that I didn’t like kids – plenty of my friends had them and they were fun for, like, half an hour – but after that, I was happy to say goodbye and let the parents do all the dirty work. I simply wasn’t interested in leading “that sort of life.”

Fast forward to my mid-30s and I met Wayne. He was different to every other guy I’d ever dated in the past. Admittedly, I had been attracted to men who were slightly unstable in the past (I must have had some weird thought in my head of ‘saving them’ or whatever but that’s a whole other subject) and so having children was just not something I saw myself doing. But Wayne was emotionally stable and kind and honest and he had his shit together. Over time, our life and our lives intertwined effortlessly. We were very different (still are!) but somehow, it all just worked, it felt totally right. We balanced each other out beautifully. Then one day, aged 38, after we’d had a bit of an ‘accident’ with contraception, I realised my period was late.

In the past, an accident like that would have seen me heading straight to the pharmacist for a morning-after pill but something about this was different. I began to wonder, ‘what if…’ and kept putting off the visit. We weren’t really in a great position to have children but who ever is? We were both 38, I knew it was a sort of ‘now or never’ situation and so I left it. I began to fantasise about having a baby – something I’d never done in the past. I realised it would be a complete upheaval but we would get by, we would be fine. We’d welcome a child into our lives and things would change forever. For once, I wasn’t scared off by the prospect. I realised, for once in my life, that I was actually ready.

I was around 10 days late when I finally decided to take the pregnancy test. By that point, I was so worked up, so sure I was pregnant, so sure this was going to be the biggest, most life-altering thing I’d ever done. I was excited and I was terrified. When the test came up negative, I walked out of the bathroom to Wayne who was waiting for the results with as much anticipation as I was. He saw my fallen face and scooped me up as I sobbed. I got my period the next day.

We talked after that and cried together as we realised it was time. We wanted to keep trying. We wanted a child and we were actually going to do this. What was originally an ‘accident’ turned into a concerted effort to get pregnant. And yet, month after frustrating month, my period came. After around 8 months of trying, I spoke to my doctor about it and she said once it was a year or so, to come in and they’ll run some tests.

But a year of going through disappointment, crestfallen at seeing the blood month after month, I had started to detach myself from the idea. There was some self-preservation going on there, I know. I simply couldn’t handle the fact that I couldn’t get pregnant when everyone around me seemed to be making birth announcements. What was wrong with us? I had friends who got pregnant the first time they tried. And here we were, month after month, and just nothing. I felt like time was running out so quickly. We decided to keep trying until I turned 40. I didn’t return for the tests. I didn’t want to know.

Now because your fertility starts to really drop after the age of 35, the NHS will not pay for infertility treatment (IVF) after 40 as it so often doesn’t work (something else people don’t seem to talk about) and so once I hit and surpassed this age, we realised it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. By this point, I had been going for medical tests due to some very painful periods. I had been hospitalised in the past with ovarian cysts and fibroids. I started reading up on infertility and realised that endometriosis may be the reason I was struggling to get pregnant as it could cause infertility in some women.

I found out last year after numerous tests and an MRI that the suspected endometriosis was finally diagnosed as adenomyosis (where the inner lining of the uterus (the endometrium) breaks through the muscle wall of the uterus (the myometrium) and these cells grow in the walls of the uterus). At this time, there is still uncertainty as to whether this condition, in itself, causes infertility but there are studies that show adenomyosis may double the risk of miscarriage. So even if I had, by some miracle, gotten pregnant, there was no way to know whether it would have been successful or not.

Six years after deciding we wanted to start a family and 3 years after realising we probably never will, we have come to terms with it. We’ve dealt with the heartbreak and sorrow and we’ve decided we shall simply have a different kind of life and that’s okay. We have our fur babies whom we love dearly and who bring us so much joy. We remind ourselves of how lucky we are every single day for so many different reasons. My friends continue to get pregnant, I continue to see rolling pregnancy, birth and birthday announcements and the babies and children of friends on my social media feeds. I’m okay with it now.

But I think that the stigma surrounding infertility and the idea that somehow this makes you less of a woman has got to stop. We have to let go of the idea that pursuing IVF treatment is in any way a ‘failure’ or that the people going through it have to be silent about it. We have to acknowledge that IVF isn’t even always successful. We have to stop seeing women as ‘baby factories’ or ‘mums’ and nothing else as though they aren’t complete unless they have children. We have to respect those who decided to have families and those who decided not to. We must be sensitive to those who may struggle to get pregnant or who may want to but find themselves in circumstances where they can’t. And we need to allow women to be and do whatever they choose and acknowledge with respect that their choices may not be the same as our own.

My own experience – from not wanting children at all to wanting them and realising I couldn’t have them to coming to terms with it all – has been a long one. I don’t know where you are on your own journey but perhaps the more we hear of women’s struggles, the more normal it becomes. There are so many women out there struggling but staying silent. I hope my story inspires you in some way to talk to those you wish to and to never feel ashamed. You have never been less and you will never be less. I’ve got your back.

For more information and support on infertility or childlessness for whatever reason, do check out the site Gateway Women, it’s pretty brilliant.

 

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Kimberly Swoon Worthy and her Sheltie Quito in the kitchen
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My little neglected makeup/dressing room has had a glow up 🥰

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My new rug can't compete with that belly.

Rug is from @laredoute_uk (not an ad) not that anyone cares 😅

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I've really loved making these pretty reusable Christmas crackers! I'm still in the process of finding cute bits for filling them but they'll definitely be a centrepiece for my table this year!🎄💕

Suggestions for what to fill them with coming soon!

(By the way, I'm not a skilled seamstress so I'm sure my techniques can be improved but just sharing what worked for me 🤗😅)

Let me know if this is something you'd try? ❤️

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On 22 October 2022, I married my best friend! I can't believe it's been a whole year (and one day) I've been calling @2nilup my husband 🥰 We've been together for 15 years now and I simply can't and wouldn't want to imagine my life without him ❤️ 

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Photography: @violajayphotography 
Flowers: @primroseavenuefloral 
Dress: @camillawithlove
DIY REFILLABLE CHRISTMAS CRACKERS 🎄🎉

I've been thinking about making refillable crackers for so many years now - I just hate the waste the disposal ones create! So I'm so excited I've finally gotten around to starting this project!

I will be sharing more details on how to make them as well as ideas for what to fill them with too so stay tuned for more but in the meantime, what do you think? 

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Just wanted to introduce my latest plant baby in my dining room 🪴

It's from @botanique_shrewsbury and it's a Peparomia (I am probably pronouncing it wrong, I keep wanting to say
GUEST BEDROOM REVEAL 🌟

I decided on a whim, 2 weeks before we were expecting visiting family, that our guest bedroom was in desperate need of a refresh.

Well there's nothing like an impending deadline to light a 🔥 under my 🍑 and I managed to clear out the clutter, repaint the woodwork, ceilings and walls and hang wallpaper as well as restyle the room in one week 😅 (Meisha was zero help 😼)

I'm calling it Boho Vintage Victorian Grandma 😆

This wasn't sponsored in any way but the wallpaper and bedding is from @lauraashleyuk and the paint is @earthbornpaints Peach Baby - everything else I already had!

What do you think of the new look? ❤️

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🔥JOIN US ROUND THE FIRE PIT! 🔥

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Do you love a good firepit in the summer?

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San Sebastian photo dump - just a tiny selection 😄

We have had such a fabulous holiday to Basque Country - our first 4 days spent in the beautiful city of San Sebastian, land of pintxos, stunning architecture and some damn good wine.

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A little kitchen reshuffle today so I thought I'd share 🥰

It's been 4 years since we created this space and it's still one of my favourites ♥️

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Ad 🩷 Before and after Deck makeover! 🩷

This little decked patio was looking worse for wear after a wet winter but @frenchicpaint came to the rescue with their beautiful Dusty Blush Alfresco Paint, perfect for all your outdoor projects!

The deck has been a few colours over the past few years but this is definitely the most fun and gives the whole space such a tropical vibe - even in Shrewsbury! 🏝️ 🦩🍹😄

The paint has incredible coverage and was so nice to use - I loved the tools they provided too, especially the oval brush which got into all the nooks and crannies easily!

Let me know what you think of the new colour! 

#frenchicpaint #beforeandafter #deckmakeover #gardeninspiration #gardeninspo #outdoorproject
So on a whim I decided to paint the bedroom pink yesterday 😅🩷

This room has been neglected for so long as I've wanted to fully redecorate for about 3 years now but there are always other bigger priorities or a lack of time/energy/money so I keep putting it off 🙃🙃🙃 (tell me I'm not the only one) but happily this didn't cost a penny as I used what I already had although it did take me the best part of a day!

I went through my paint stash and found that I had extra @coatpaints Percy from when I did the living room early last year -- well I'm not one to let something this good go to waste (honestly this paint is absolutely wonderful to work with and has amazing coverage) and my goodness it's just so pretty in here 🥰 I also moved my pink curtains from my office into here and the whole room just glows!

I might actually be able to live with the mural a little longer until the room gets the attention it deserves! Let me know if you like the change ♥️

*For those who are wondering, it used to be white walls and I had grey curtains! 😅

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A little photo dump from my recent living room shoot because I still love to dig into the details of a still photo 😄💕

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April has been #stressawarenessmonth and so I've teamed up with the wonderful @frenchbedroom to share a few simple tips in creating a cosy sanctuary at home!

One of my favourite ways to add a feeling of comfort and relaxation is with glorious touchable textures and the stunning Mulberry Silk ruffled cushion from French Bedroom not only looks spectacular but feels incredible too! Pairing this with other feel-good fabrics will add depth to your design and will beg you to sink in and unwind 😍

French Bedroom are also now stocking my own home fragrance brand @swoonworthyscents candles, adding another element of calm with scent to your home. I chose No 02 Sunday Morning for my living room with rejuvenating Jasmine and refreshing pine and lemon notes 🥰

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Who needs pancakes when you can have Lemon Drizzle Cake with Lemoncello glaze?! 😉🍋

I've had such a craving for this cake for a while so figured I'd make it today! This is a recipe from @bbcgoodfood and it's rather gorgeous 🥰

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Are you lucky enough to be owned by a cat? 🐈🐾

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Finally managed to get the gallery wall completed in our hallway!

I couldn't have been happier with @violajayphotography capturing our little intimate wedding in October and knew as soon as I saw the photos I had to print them for our home! I admit, I've never been one to hang photos but it's probably because all we ever had after 14 years together was selfies 😂🤷🏽‍♀️ I'm so pleased we finally have some lovely shots of us together 🥰

Do you have photos of you/your partner/your family up around your home?? 🤔

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✨These little vintage copper pans needed some TLC! ✨

After searching for a while for vintage copper pans, I found these on eBay - they looked quite grim on the ad but I knew they could be shined up nicely! A little @barkeepersfriend later (not an ad!) and I'm loving how they look in my kitchen 🥰

Let me know if you like the new addition ❤️

#kitcheninspo #kitchendesign #vintagestyle #kitchenstyling
Oh hey living room, nice to have you back ☺️

I always feel very ready to remove the excess of Christmas decor pretty much as soon as the 26th arrives but I've been later than usual this Twixmas as we've both been unwell the last couple weeks 🤦🏽‍♀️ Nevertheless, I've managed to get things packed away and I styled this little faux arrangement today for my coffee table so ya know, small victories 😄🙌🏽

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